


If I Lose Him Like This

by mycomfortblanket



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: F/M, guys this is angst, like pure angst, literally hurt me to write this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:48:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27750019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mycomfortblanket/pseuds/mycomfortblanket
Summary: At Aang's wedding, Toph is drinking the pain away. Rating for language and mention of underage drinking.
Relationships: Aang/Katara (Avatar), Aang/Toph Beifong
Comments: 48
Kudos: 49





	1. Chapter 1

Toph is standing on the balcony, her arms resting on the railing and ‘stares’ out to the mountains that surround the Air Temple. She's clutching a bottle of Fire Nation whiskey in her hand, something Zuko had brought for her to help her get through this weekend. 

She can feel everyone in the Great Hall dancing and standing around talking. Everyone is having a grand time, no one knows the hell that she is going through at the moment. 

A pair of feet break from the crowd and walk towards her. His steps are sure, never hesitating, and solid on the ground. 

“Hey kiddo, how are you doing?” Zuko asks. 

“You know, I'm 20, you don't have to call me that anymore.”

“Are you going to stop calling me Sparky?” He replies, crossing his arms over his chest. 

“Fair point,” she says, taking a swig of the alcohol. 

He walks over and leans against the balcony with her. She can feel the warmth radiating off of him.

“I heard she looks beautiful. His heartbeat spiked when she began walking down the aisle,” Toph says, her voice low and in monotone. 

“Who? Katara?” 

“Don't play stupid with me, Zuko. I can't handle it tonight.” Toph says, swallowing past the lump forming in her throat. 

Calling him by his real name makes Zuko look at her, understanding and pity in his eyes. 

He couldn't begin to imagine what she is going through, watching the man she loves marry someone else, her best friend nonetheless. He's surprised that Toph has managed to keep her composure throughout the night. He knows that she had been a wreck the rest of the time. 

She had been staying with him at the Fire Nation palace when the invitation to his wedding came. She didn't say anything for a while, but eventually got up and left. In the distance, he had heard her chunking rocks every which way, her screams could be heard faintly. 

He had waited until the ground had stopped shaking before he went after her. It didn't take long for Zuko to find her on her knees curled into herself, her arms around her middle, sobbing. 

He had never seen Toph cry before and it had honestly scared the shit out of him. He had no idea what to do, but he walked over and sat next to her while she cried. 

tonight though, she had not shed a tear, said any sarcastic remarks to anyone, and is almost the perfect proper lady her parents had raised her to be... minus the smell of alcohol on her breath. 

“Yeah,” his voice soft, “Yeah, Katara looks beautiful. But, so do you Kiddo.” Zuko says honestly. Through the vibrations, she knows he is telling the truth. 

“Please spare me the bullshit. Even if I looked like turtleduck shit, it wouldn't matter,” she pulled another swig from the bottle, its contents almost completely gone. 

Neither of them say anything, just stand next to each other quietly, staring out into the night. 

An hour must have gone by when she feels his footsteps coming towards them. 

Toph has completely finished off her bottle of whiskey which she hands to Zuko. 

“Here, I shouldn't be seen with this.”

“Huh-”

“Hey guys, what are you doing out here?” Aang asks, his voice bright and cheerful. 

Zuko quickly pockets the empty bottle and turns towards Aang's voice, but Toph doesn't budge. 

“Oh, uh. We were just talking. Congratulations, man.” 

Toph can hear them grip each other's forearms and Zuko pats him on the shoulder. Zuko’s footsteps move back towards the party, disappearing into the crowd. 

Aang comes to stand beside her, resting against the railing where Zuko had just been. She feels his shoulder brush against hers and she immediately tenses up, not wanting to feel his touch. 

“Can you believe it? I'm finally married. I never thought the day would come,” he says, his hands gripping the rail. 

Toph doesn't say anything just, listens to him talk.

“I mean, I've been in love with her since I was 12! Can you believe that?” 

Toph turns her head to the side as a tear escapes and slides down her cheek. She quickly wipes it away before he can see, and out of habit, she sniffs. One of those sniffs that make it oh-so obvious that someone is crying, all thick and full of boogers and mucus. 

Aang immediately turns his head towards her and narrows his eyes slightly. 

“Yeah, listen, I gotta go. Congrats Aang,” she says quickly. She turns to walk back into the Grand Hall before anything else can be said. 

“Toph, wait!” His hand reaches out for her and he barely touches her fingers before she is out of his reach. 

Toph hurriedly walks to the other end of the Hall and slips out of the door into the night air, hoping no one has noticed her escape. 

She descends the stairs, her feet barely touching the stone before moving again and her tears flowing freely now. 

“Toph, wait!” Aang shouts from the top of the staircase. Her ears pick up the whoosh of air and then his feather light footsteps landing a few steps in front of her, blocking her path. 

His hands reach out and grips her shoulders, stopping her in her tracks. 

“T., you're crying. Why are you crying?” 

“It's nothing, Aang. Just let me go,” she mumbles trying to move past him. 

“No. You called me Aang. You never do that unless something is serious.”

Toph inwardly flinches. She didn't realize she did that. she stops struggling to get past him, knowing now it's too late for excuses and to get out of this. 

Toph looks up at him, moving the hair out of her face so he can see her clearly. 

They stand there together, neither of them moving. Aang, a concerned wrinkle in his brow and hands still on her shoulders. And Toph, her face blank of emotion, tears running down her face, most likely ruining the makeup Suki had worked so hard on. 

“Just talk to me,” Aang whispers. 

Her resolve completely crumbles at that sentence. She grabs him by the front of his formal Airbender robes and pulls him to her, locking their lips together. 

Aang immediately responds to her, his mouth slotting perfectly against hers. His mouth working her open and slipping his tongue against hers. His hands come up and cup her tear streaks cheeks. 

At the same time, they pull back from each other, Aang staring into Toph’s eyes trying to read some emotion there. 

“I just had to do that. Just once. I'm so sorry,” she whispers before breaking from his grip and running away once again. 

Aang turns and follows her movements with his eyes as she disappears into the night


	2. Chapter 2

After the wedding, Toph moved to one of the small towns outside of the Earth Kingdom. She found a small job of security for the town and a cheap apartment on the second floor. She hadn’t told anyone where she had moved to or how she could be reached.

She wanted to put everything behind her, to start fresh.

She thought she had done a good job of hiding herself until one day when she gets off work and walks into her apartment to find Zuko sitting at her kitchen table drinking a cup of tea. 

“Where have you been, Toph?” he asks quietly. 

She quickly overcomes her shock and moves into the apartment pulling off her flimsy uniform and throwing it on the back of the chair. She is left in her undershirt and work pants that also doubled as compression pants. 

“Uh, at work. My shift ended late tonight, so you kno-” she says nonchalantly, moving towards the kitchen to keep her hands busy, hoping to hide how bad they are shaking.   


“That’s not what I’m talking about, Toph!” Zuko slams his hands down onto the table in anger. 

Her back is still to him so he doesn’t see her flinch. 

“You left after the wedding and no one has heard from you since. You have no idea how hard it was to track you down. What the hell happened that night?”

Toph turns around to face him but keeps her head point at the ground so he doesn’t see the emotion there. The last thing she wants him to see is her crying after all these years. She may have left everyone and moved somewhere off of the map, but it had done nothing to lessen the heartache she feels. 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know what to do, I just-” 

“And what about me, Toph?! Your best fucking friend! You left and you didn’t even tell me where you were going or that you were safe. I felt physically sick for months after you left because I had no way of contacting you to see how you were doing or if you were even still alive.”

That last sentence causes Toph to flinch again, and this time, Zuko sees it. 

“Just… just talk to me, Toph. What the hell happened to you? What was so bad that you ran off without telling anyone?”

Toph moves and sits at the table across from him. She keeps her head down and speaks to the table, “We kissed that night. Aang and me,” she says in a whisper. She hears Zuko take in a breath but doesn’t say anything, just lets her continue, “I wasn’t planning on leaving. I just wanted to get out of there. But, then I kissed him… and- and he kissed me back!” She swallows hard. “I knew I had fucked up. That I had fucked up bad, and I shouldn’t have done that to him… or to Katara. So, I left,” her voice raw with emotion. 

The silence between them stretches on, Zuko completely shocked by what she had said and Toph drowning in her guilt. 

“You know, it was actually Aang who found you, but he said he couldn’t come talk to you. I never questioned him about it, just thought it was another one of those things,” he says, his voice low. 

Toph moves her head up slightly, allowing him to get a glimpse of the sorrow on her face. 

“I should probably go. It was nice talking to you, Kiddo,” Zuko moves and starts heading towards the door, “And please write to me every few months, just so I know that you’re okay. Please?” After a few moments of not getting a reaction out of her, he silently opens the door and closes it behind him with a soft click. 

Toph doesn’t move from her spot at the table for the rest of the night, just plays with her thumbs, thinking about the last part of the short conversation they had. 

Aang was the one who found her, but couldn’t come talk to her. Or maybe didn't want to.

That thought milled around in her head for hours until the clock on her wall chimed letting her know it was midnight. 

Taking a deep breath, she moved from her spot at the kitchen table and went to bed. 

* * *

Aang isn’t sure why he lied to Katara about where he was going or what spurred him to go to her. It had been a few weeks since Zuko had gone to see Toph, but once he received the letter from him telling Aang how messed up Toph was, he set off the next day. Now, he is just counting down the minutes until he is in front of her and he can ask  _ why _ . 

He stands at her door for what feels like an hour, too nervous to knock. When he finally does knock on the door, she is quick to answer, and thinks that she must have felt him waiting at the door. 

But, she is counting money in her hand and doesn’t look up at him at all, “Shit. I’m a few Yuans short. Give me a minute,” she says, and moves towards the kitchen that is off to the left. 

Aang is so shocked that she hadn’t noticed his footsteps or even looked at him that he doesn’t move for a second. 

He sees her digging around in a drawer, obviously searching for more money. He moves into her apartment and he sees her back go rigid straight and she sucks in a sharp breath.

Toph slowly turns towards him, “Aang,” she says, his name comes out with a breath. He can see the shock and nervousness on her face. 

They both stand there, facing each other, but neither saying anything. Another knock is at the door, making both of them jump.

Toph quickly moves to the door and pays the delivery man for her food, who gives her a small bow before quickly walking away.

She turns and puts the food on the kitchen table and remains standing there, her hands on either side of the food. She doesn’t have the courage to turn and face him. She had spent years teaching him to face his problems head on, and here she is, unable to follow her own instructions. 

She can feel him a few feet from her, his heartbeat strong, although nervousness can be detected in the beat.

“You’ve been here the past three years, and never told anyone. Why?” Aang asks, his voice low but steady. “Is it because of what happened at the wedding? I promise, it didn’t mean anything.”

Toph flinches hard, “It didn’t mean anything to you?”

“No, it didn't. So, you don’t have to worry about it. Just, please, quit shutting us out.”

Toph whirls around and faces him, poking a finger into his chest, “I didn’t leave because I kissed you. I left because I couldn’t stand the stupid spike in your heart beat when she walked in the room or the way that you would talk about her. I just couldn’t take it! I kissed you because I knew I would never get the chance again. I left because I love you and I couldn't stand someone else having you.”

Aang takes in a sharp breath at her confession, realization smacking him in the face. Suddenly, he saw it, saw it in every interaction him and Toph had, how she would walk away when him and Katara were together. It was all there, he was just too blind to it. 

“Oh my spirits. Toph, I’m so sorry,” he says, trying to grab her hand that is still poking his chest. 

“Oh, don’t give me that bullshit, Avatar,” she snarls.

The name hits Aang like a slap to the face. She has never called him that; it was always Twinkletoes or Aang when she was upset, but never Avatar. 

“You need to leave. I’ve been doing just fine on my own these past few years. I didn’t need you coming here and fucking all my progress up. So, just get the fuck out!” Toph yells, pointing at the door. 

Knowing he can’t talk to her when she is like this, he nods slightly and turns towards the door. 

“I really am sorry, Toph. I’ll be in town for a little bit, at the MidEarth hotel,” he says before slipping out of her apartment and closing the door behind him. 

Toph looks towards the sound of the door closing when she feels her throat begin to constrict. She can feel the sobs coming up from her chest. She presses a hand over her mouth and screams, the sobs now shaking her whole body.

She falls to the floor on her knees, tears falling from her eyes and onto the floor. It has been 3 years, and it still hurts just as bad as the day Aang said his vows to Katara. 

She thought she had grown from this, had moved on from this weak point, but having him here has brought her right back to the start. 

Toph curls up on the floor, reaching up to the couch and grabbing the blanket she knows was resting there. She pulls it down and around her, slowly falling asleep to the sounds of the town bustling around outside her open window.

* * *

Toph doesn’t know what compels her to go to the hotel, but soon enough, she is standing outside the door of his room, knocking softly. 

She feels his footsteps coming towards the door slowly, his vibrations giving off a slightly distracted tone. 

When Aang opens the doors, he tears his eyes away from the scroll he is reading and looks up at her, shock registering on his face before relief washes over. 

“Toph! I wasn’t expecting you!”

“You invited me, remember?” she says, pushing past him and walking into the hotel room. It’s small, only a single bed pushed against one wall and a desk and dresser pushed up against the other. 

She hears the door click shut and suddenly, the room seems too small, slightly suffocating. Toph swallows hard, trying to keep her composure. She raises her head, knocking her bangs back, putting on a confident front. 

“Zuko told me you were actually the one who found me, but that you couldn’t come see me,” she says as a statement, no question in her voice. 

Toph feels him flinch slightly and a small smile appears on her face. She doesn’t know why, but she wants to hurt him, to make him feel a slight measure of pain that she has been feeling all these years. 

“Uh, yeah. Yeah. It was hard tracking you down, you covered yourself pretty well. But, people talk and someone in Omashu mentioned a blind security guard in some town. I had been following up on any leads that might have led to you.”

“Why didn’t you come yourself?” 

Aang rubs the back of his head, trying to figure out a response to this question. He, himself, didn't know why he couldn’t come see her. He genuinely doesn’t have an excuse. 

“I don’t know. I really don’t. I was so terrified of seeing you, scared of how you would react to seeing me-”

“Well, to be fair, I’ve never really seen you before,” Toph mumbles, just loud enough that he could hear. 

A relieved smile breaks open on Aang’s face. If she was pulling jokes on him, then maybe he was slightly forgiven. 

He watches her as she moves to sit on the bed before changing her mind last minute and decides to lean against the desk. She crosses her arms over her chest, turning her face away from him, her bangs creating a wall of black. 

“You said the kiss didn’t mean anything to you,” her voice hard, “If that’s true, then why did you kiss me back? Why were you such a fucking coward to come see me? You knew where I was, and yet, you sent Zuko.” She moves away from the desk and stands directly in front of him, her milky green eyes staring up at him, “Why?”

He can see all the hurt there, all the years that this had been piling up on her. But, he also sees anger, her fist making contact with his chest as if to display that anger. 

“I’m so sorry, Toph. I don’t have an excuse for my actions, I’m so sorry, please forgive me,” Aang says, his voice becoming watery with the need to cry.

“Forgive you?!" she screams at him, "You fucking destroyed me and I'm suppose to forgive you?. You went off and lived your perfect life while I felt like I was dying. Kissing you- it may have meant nothing to you, but it meant everything to me. But, it was a mistake,” She yells at him. She lowers her voice to almost a whisper, “ _ You _ were a mistake.” 

Toph pushes past him, opens the door and slams it behind her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I see you there! Please leave a comment on what you thought of the story. I love any and all comments. Constructive criticism is also appreciated!


	3. Chapter 3

_ You were a mistake. _

That sentence circled around his head for a long time. 

He had left that little town that night, waking Appa from a peaceful slumber, and got out of there as fast as he could. 

_ You were a mistake _ .

He kept hearing her voice in his head; her voice had trembled on the sentence before that, but on that last sentence, her voice was steady and strong, like a rock. 

When he landed back at the Southern Air Temple, Katara had raced out to kiss him hello, but he was so distracted that he barely noticed her presence. 

Katara, completely oblivious to his unawareness, chatters on and on about the repairs he had missed for the temple, the funny letter Sokka had sent, the invitation from Zuko about some party that was coming up in a month, and so on. 

_ You were a mistake.  _

He couldn’t understand why that sentence was bothering him so much. Toph had said some pretty hurtful things to him in the past, so this was nothing new. 

That night, Katara tries to instigate love making, but his mind is so far gone from the current situation, that she climbs off, turns her back to him with a huff, and goes to sleep. 

It had been 3 years since he had seen Toph, the sight of her had taken his breath away. She had grown up so much, really grew into herself. Her hair was down, not in its usual bun, and it was so long- almost past her waist- and shiny. Her bangs, they still hung in her face but they were shorter than he remembered and they framed her face perfectly. 

When she had turned away from him to go get more money from the drawer in the kitchen, Aang couldn’t help but drag his eyes up and down her body. 

She was wearing a tight black camisole with dark grey compression pants.They outlined her body well, highlighting her curves, which he had never noticed before. She was always in her fighting garb or some prissy outfit Zuko or her mother had made her wear for formal events. 

Her body, he couldn’t get out of his mind, and without realizing, daydreaming about running his hands down her waist and over her hips. 

_ You were a mistake. _

The sentence crashes through his mind once more, shattering all images of her. 

Aang swings his legs out of the bed so he is sitting up. He holds his head in his head, that sentence, once again, circling his head and refusing to leave. 

He stands up and heads outside, wanting to clear his head of all thoughts. He makes his way to his favorite meditation spot, the top of a hill under a Cherry Blossom tree, the only one he has ever found at the temple. 

He sits in the lotus position and the last thing he hears before his mind goes blank:

_ You were a mistake.  _

* * *

When she gets back to her apartment, Toph stands in the doorway for a moment, before making a haste decision. She goes to the closet and rips out a dusty suitcase and throws it on the couch before tossing her few personal items into it and her 4 change of clothes. 

She gets on her knees and pries up the floor board that is directly in front of the couch. Reaching inside she pulls out a large wad of yuans and her Beifong passport with the White Boar. She hasn’t dropped her last name since she had left after the wedding and although she is still hesitant to use it, she knows the power it holds and how it can help her get where she needs to go.

Sitting back on her knees, she grabs the wad of yuans and flips through it, feeling the thickness of it. She knows she’ll be able to get anywhere in the world she wants with it, the only question is where. 

Obviously the air temples were out of the question. The Northern or Southern Water tribes were also out. The only thing worse than awkward encounters is not being able to see. She could go further into the Earth Kingdom, but really, what good would that do? They found her once, they could easily find her again. She could go back to the Fire Nation and live with Zuko again, that had been fun. 

Taking a deep sigh, Toph stands up and zips the suitcase shut and heads out the door. Before she leaves though, she scawls out a message as best she can that says, ‘I’m coming -T’.

On her way out of the city, she stops by the Hawkry and sends the hawk off to Zuko. 

* * *

When she finally begins walking up the Palace steps, she senses Zuko at the top waiting for her. His stance is his professional persona with his hands behind his back and head held high, but she can feel in his heartbeat that he is happy she is here. 

“Decided to come crawling back, huh?” Zuko asks good naturedly.

“You could say that,” Toph says, punching him in the shoulder. Together they begin walking into the palace and towards her room. “He came to see me. I mean, should have known that was coming, right?”

Zuko hums in response, “How’d that go?” 

“It went as well as you would expect it to. The things I said though… well you think I had stabbed him.”

He laughs through his nose and holds his hand out, gesturing to her room, the same room she had when she stayed with him last time. 

When she walks in, she notices that everything is just as she left it. She even senses a shirt on the floor by the bed, which means Zuko didn’t let the maids clean. 

Top throws her suitcase onto the bed before walking out of the room and meeting him back in the hallway, “The kitchen open? Could use some good food that doesn’t come wrapped from a merchant's cart.”

Zuko chuckles, “Yeah, and I think Uncle is in there harassing the cooks as well.”

“He’s here?! I thought he had that tea shop in Ba Sing Se that he stayed with,” she asked.

“He does. But, I’m having a party this weekend for my birthday. Speaking of which, Aang and Katara are coming. They’ll be flying in the day after tomorrow,” he says hesitantly. His heartbeat shows a trace of fear in it, scared that she might destroy a garden again. 

Toph doesn’t show much of a reaction on her face, but instantly, her heart slams to a halt. 

_ He’s coming here??? With her? _

“Okay,” is all she says in response. Zuko looks at her carefully to see how she is handling that news, but he doesn’t get much of a reaction.

They’re both quiet the rest of the way as they head towards the kitchen, where Iroh has his head bent over a cooking pot and hasn’t noticed them walk in. 

“Uncle, we have a visitor.”

He snaps his head up out of the pot and turns around expecting to find another Noble. They always have a tendency to randomly show up, but who he sees instead is much better.

“Master Toph! Oh, what an unexpected surprise! Look at you, you’re so grown up. What has it been, 4 years?”

A blush spreads across her cheeks at his cheeriness, this was something she had not experienced much in the past few years.

“It’s only been 3 Uncle Iroh,” she says with a smirk, trying to regain her composure. 

“Oh, still too long! Come, come. We must have tea, I want to hear about it all.”

She doesn’t tell him everything about her time away nor does she tell him why she left, but she suspects he knows. He’s pretty perceptive in that area. They must have talked for hours because before she knows it, the air around them has begun to cool as the sun slips behind the horizon. 

“So, Master Toph. Are you going to tell me the reason you left everyone behind, or are you going to keep this old man guessing for a few more years?” He asks not facing her, but rather staring out into the courtyard. 

Toph doesn’t respond immediately, she knew that he knew. She sets her teacup back down on the table and presses her lips together firmly. She didn’t exactly want to talk about it, but being alone with her own thoughts is a little more depressing. 

“Um, I messed up. I did something bad, something dishonorable and I couldn’t face the consequences of my actions.”

“And so you left.”

“And so I left,” she repeats. 

Iroh pours the both of them another cup of Jasmine tea before lifting the cup to his nose and inhaling it’s scent. 

“Are you wanting my advice, or do you just want someone to listen?”

Toph thinks for a moment, she has never been asked that question, but realizes how amazing it actually is. Too often, people have offered her unwanted advice or somehow brought the problem over to them and played the ‘ _ Oh yeah, you have it bad? Well get this’ _ game. 

“Just want someone to listen to.”

Iroh nods slightly and takes a sip of his tea while looking out towards the garden and waits for her to tell him more of the story. 

* * *

“I just don’t understand why  _ I _ have to be here to welcome Twinkle Toes and Sweetness back. They come here all the time,” Toph huffs out, crossing her arms over her chest. 

The last thing she wants to do is to see Aang with Katara draped all over him. The last few years she was with this was absolute torture because of that and then not seeing it everyday afterwards was realy nice. 

“Yes, Kiddo. They’re still your friends… or at least Katara is still your friend. You know they would be out here if it was you who was coming in.”

He has a valid point, although it doesn’t lessen her annoyance at the situation. Finally, on the horizon, they can see Appa flying towards them until they are about a stone throw away. 

She can see Aang sitting on Appa’s head, a look of shock on his face when he sees her. Katara on the other hand hasn’t noticed since she is still fumbling around on the saddle. When they finally land, Toph feels Aang’s feather light feet touch the harbor wall where her and Zuko were standing. Next, she feels Katara slide down Appa’s leg and Momo comes to perch on Toph’s shoulder, causing her to jump slightly- completely forgetting that Momo had always preferred to perch on her shoulder. 

“Oh my gosh! Toph!” Katara yells, running over to her and enveloping her in a bone crushing hug. “We haven’t seen you in years! Where have you been?! Oh my Spirits, I’ve missed you so much! We  _ have _ to go to the Spa later so you can tell me everything!”

Toph had hugged her back when but now, she was slightly pushing at her shoulders, the physical contact after so many years of not being touched was slightly unnerving.

“Uh, yeah. Of course. Come on, Sweetness, let me go. I know it’s super great to see me but this is a little much.”

Katara immediately drops her arms and steps back a little, but the smile never leaves her face. She takes in Toph, how she has changed but kept the same hair style and same snarky attitude. She laughs again and can’t help but grab her in another hug despite Toph’s protests. 

Aang comes up beside them and him and Zuko grip each other's forearms in greeting and have a small conversation between them, hardly paying attention to the girls. 

When Katara finally lets go of Toph for the last time, she turns towards Aang and her smile falters, which Aang couldn’t help but notice. Toph steps forward and envelops Aang in a tense and rigid hug. He hesitates for a moment, not sure if he is allowed to hug her back, because Spirits, does he so badly want to hug her. He brings his arms up and wraps them around her waist, pulling her to him slightly, no matter how hard she resists. 

They both sense Katara link arms with Zuko and begin walking back to the palace not waiting for the other two. He feels Toph loosen her grip to step back from him, but he can’t let her go just yet. 

“Stop, Aang. Let me go.”

Closing his eyes, he pulls his arms away from her and steps back, looking at her face, trying to read some emotion in her eyes, but they’re both as still as a rock. 

“T.-”

Toph immediately steps into his personal space, her face close to his. She jabs a finger into his chest and says, “Don’t you dare call me that. You lost that privilege a long time ago.” She stays in his personal space for a second longer before she pulls away and begins to trail after Katara and Zuko. 

Just like the night of his wedding, he reaches out a hand to grab hers to stop her, and this time, he is successful, “Please Toph, I’m so sorry, I really am, the guilt of what I did to you is killing me! Just tell me what I can do,” he grabs her other hand and pulls them to his chest. 

“Well first of all, I don’t want you to apologize! I want the guilt to eat you alive. I want you to drown in your thoughts like I fucking drowned in mine. Stay the fuck away from me. I’m only civil towards you for her sake,” she rips one of her hands away to point in the direction of Katara. 

His heartbeat speeds up in shock and devastation. Toph stares in his direction a moment longer before she pulls her other hand free and leaves him on the harbor wall by himself. 

* * *

She skips dinner, Aang notices, and isn’t at the training arena when he goes to look. He remembers from a few years ago, the room they had found themselves in. 

Slowly, he makes his way towards the lower part of the Palace, down the winding hallways that were hardly ever used, even by servants. He comes to the wooden door that leads into the long forgotten room that him and Toph had met up in all those years ago. 

A million emotions are running through him. What she had said at the harbor wall had crushed him and he struggled to breath for a long time. Walking back to the Palace with her about a hundred yards in front of him, was not only humiliating but devastating. He had felt like a lost polar bear dog trailing after her like that. 

Slowly, he reaches out a hand and pushes the door open. The warming stove is on, the coals burning bright, illuminating the room to him. 

She must have just been here, but left when she sensed him walking down this way. So she is going to avoid him here in the Fire Nation as well. Aang’s shoulders sag at the realization that there is no way he is ever going to get to talk to her unless she wants him to. 

He walks into the room, his feet kicking up a slight layer of dust and dirt on the floor and moves towards the coat closet that hosts an abundance of forgotten fur coats. It’s still left open, most likely from the last time they were in this room. A lot of the coats are littered around the ground, covered in a thin layer of dust. 

He is just about to turn and to leave the room, when he notices footprints in the dust and dirt. Tiny, bare footprints.

_ Her  _ footprints. 

He see’s where she had walked into the room, stood in front of the coat closet as he had just done. There are no footprints of her walking out of the room to get away from him, so she must have bended her way out. 

Aang looks around at the dimly lit room, sadness settling on his chest again. 

“I’m so sorry, Toph. If this is where it started, if this is where it made everything so much worse for you, I am so sorry,” he says to the empty room, hoping that she is just behind one of the walls or under the floor somewhere.

“I never meant to hurt you. That night means so much to me, T..  _ You  _ mean so much to me and if you let me, I’ll spend the rest of my lives trying to fix it.”

He waits a moment, hoping that she will show herself, but after a while, he accepts that she won’t. He extinguishes the warming stove with a wave of his hand and leaves the room, closing the door behind him. 

* * *

Behind a wall in that long forgotten coat room, Toph leans with her back against the wall she had just come through. 

She had almost been caught by him since she was too busy feeling the coats where the both of them had once laid. Aang was a few feet away from the entrance of the room when she had taken notice of his featherlight footsteps. 

She still couldn’t face him. No matter how strong she presented herself to be, she did have a crumbling point, and he was it. She was going to have to face him sooner or later this weekend and she wanted to put it off as long as possible. 

That night that he was talking about wasn’t the start of it, but it was what made everything so unbearable afterwards. 

Taking a deep breath, Toph walks forward and bends open a doorway into the wall facing her that leads out to one of the main hallways of the palace. 

She wanders the halls not paying attention to where she is going, but does keep her senses alert enough to let her know if Twinkletoes is coming her way. 

Although it’s not him she feels coming, but rather Katara and Zuko, she considers hiding for a moment but brushes off that idea. Neither of them is behind the heartache she feels and doesn’t deserve to be treated like that. 

“Hey Sweetness, Lord Sparky,” she says when coming near them.

“Hey Toph! Did you want to go have that girls day now? I could really use a mud bath.”

She hesitates for a fraction of a second; the idea of a mud bath does sound really appealing, but she’s worried that a specific topic may come up. 

Against her better judgement, she agrees. Katara breaks into a large grin and loops her arm through Tophs and pulls her off in another direction

An hour or two later, the girls are relaxing in a mud bath, a face mask coating their skin, and cucumbers soaking into their eyes. 

“So. What have you been up to the past few years? Any guys? Or girls? I could never tell who you were into when we were younger since you never showed interest in anyone.”

Toph just makes a noise at her observation. She never showed interest in anyone because she was always watching Twinkletoes. Watching him watch her. 

“So, was there?”

“No. No, I was by myself. I didn’t really have time for that,” she says not entirely convingly. 

“Oh whatever. I haven’t seen you in three years but I know that there was someone. There always is,” Katara says smugly. “Come on, just tell me! I won’t tell anyone.”

“Fine, alright, if it will shut you up… there was a guy a while ago. I was king of pinning after him for a bit. We uh… slept together while he was broken up with his girlfriend. But, it was mostly like a one night stand situation because it seemed like right after we were together, him and his girlfriend got back together and that was it. Hasn’t thought about me since.”

Katara sits up in her tub and takes the cucumbers off of her face, “Are you serious?!”

Toph doesn’t say anything, but rather takes a deep breath and takes the cucumbers off of her face as well. She doesn’t turn towards her although she can feel her eyes boring into her face.

“Did he know how you felt about him?” 

She doesn’t miss how Katara puts the sentence in past tense, as if she isn’t still suffering. 

“Uh… no. No he didn’t. I don’t think it ever really crossed his mind that someone like me could have feelings like that. He never saw me that way.”

“Well, how do you know that?” Katara asks, still completely in shock. 

“I could feel his heartbeat, Princess. It never pulsed anything different when I was around. Not like it did when she came into the room.” She so badly wants off this topic. The weight in her chest is becoming too much and she doesn’t want to lash out at her, “What about you? What have you been up to?” 

“Well Aang and I…” 

Toph drowns her out when she immediately realizes her mistake. Of course her update would include Twinkletoes. How could it not? She soaks in her own heartbreak for a moment before she shakes her head and attempts to be a good friend and listen to Katara.

“... he’s just been distant since he came back. Like, that night, he wouldn’t even have sex with me. He was gone for two weeks and nothing,” she complains, crossing her arms over her chest. 

“Wait, what?” Toph asks, sitting up slightly. 

“I know, right? You think he would be all over it, but he wasn’t,” she waves her hand in an irritated motion.

“When was this?”

“Like, two weeks ago, maybe last week? I can’t really remember, I just know it pissed me off.”

Toph closes her eyes. That was when she had confronted Aang. When she told him he was a mistake. Although she wanted to hurt him, she didn’t mean for it to go home with him and impact his relationship with Katara. 

“Alright girls. It’s time for the massage!” The spa lady says when coming into their private room. 

Toph lets out a shaky breath and is somewhat relieved by the intrusion on the conversation by this lady. These were the main topics she was wanting to avoid on their day out. 

* * *

Aang runs his hands through the grass in front of him while Zuko throws pieces of bread to the turtleducks in the pond. 

“I still don’t get how you knew she had bended her way out of that room,” uko says.

“Because there were footprints that led into the room. You know, small barefoot footprints. It could only be hers. And there were none leading out of the room. They just stopped by one of the walls.”

“You think she heard your apology?”

“I don’t know,” Aang runs a hand over his face before laying back in the grass, looking up at the sky. “She’s avoiding me. I’m never going to be able to get her alone. As soon as she senses my footsteps she bolts. I’ve never known her to avoid something.”

“Well she has been avoiding this for years now, Aang. You just never saw it.”

“Wait,” Aang sits up abruptly, “You knew? How long did you know?”

Zuko gives him a pained look before turning back to the pond and the turtleducks. He really doesn’t want to answer that question and all the implied questions that it comes with. 

“How long did you know, Zuko?”

He takes a deep breath and says quietly, “Almost from the beginning.”

“The beginning?” He says in shocks, “When was the beginning?”

Zuko looks over at him and gives him a pained look, “2 years after the war ended. She couldn’t stand living with her parents anymore and she didn’t have anywhere else to go, so she came here. You had come to visit without Katara and... “

“We didn’t do anything then. We just hung out and… oh spirits. 

“You can’t beat yourself up too much. You didn’t know.”

“Yeah, but what if I did know? What if I had known, would I have stayed with Katara or would I have-” 

“Don’t think about that Aang. You can’t sit and ponder the what if’s of life. You’ll just go insane,” If he slipped down that hole, nothing good would come from it. 

“But, what if I could have been happier with her?” He asks, refusing to meet Zuko’s eyes. 

He furrows his brow trying to understand what he might be implying.

“Are you not happy with Katara?” He hesitantly asks. 

Aang doesn’t entirely seem to absorb the question, “What? No, no I’m happy. I’m happy with her,” he looks up at Zuko, “I am!” he says more forcefully. 

“Okay, okay! Was just a question.”

Aang hesitates for a moment before whispering, “I think I’m happy. How do you know if you’re happy?”

Zuko takes a deep sigh and stares at the pond contemplating his answer, “I think only you can answer that question for yourself, but if you’re questioning it, then maybe there is something underlying that is bothering you.”

He looks over at Aang who has a very troubled look on his face. 

“That night, in the abandoned coat room. What were you thinking?”

Aang shoots him a dark look and he immediately backtracks, “I don’t mean it like that. I’m not judging you! I just mean, what was going through your mind? How did it feel?”

The anger slowly drains from his face and he sits and thinks for a moment.

“I mean. I don’t know. How does someone answer that? We were 17! It was sex. It felt-” Aang closes his eyes for a moment, “It felt great, being with her like that. It was so different from… from you know.”

“And what about the kiss that night?” Zuko asks gently, “She said you kissed her back."

He doesn’t say anything to this, just stares at the grass in front of him. 

Zuko lets out a sigh before sitting in front of him. Aang doesn’t look up at him, just continues to stare at the grass, guilt is evident on his face. 

“I think the real question is: Would you still make the same decision to sleep with her if you had the chance to redo it?”

Aang squeezes his eyes shut. He so badly wants to say no, that he wouldn’t want to sleep with her, to cause her that heartache and grief. But, he honestly can’t bring himself to believe that lie. 

That night, it was important to him, and although he didn’t think about it too often, it had left a lasting impression on him. The few times he has thought about it, was usually when he was alone with his thoughts and his mind drifting. He felt incredibly guilty for thinking about it- and at once relieving himself to it- when Katara was within shouting distance of him. 

“Yeah,” he murmurs, not wanting Zuko to hear but also needing it to be said out loud, “I would make that same decision to be with her every time.” 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this isn't as popular as my other stories, but tbh, this is my favorite. lol.

“Hey Kiddo,” Zuko calls in greeting. 

Toph is sitting on one of the window sills that overlook the training arena. Down below, Aang is practicing all four of the elements with some of the guards, he can hear all of their laughter from up here and calls of encouragement. 

Zuko looks at the scene down below and then looks over at Toph and tries to read her face, “Are you ever going to talk to him?”

Toph takes a deep breath and releases it slowly, “I don’t think so. You’d think after being away for three years, I would have overcome the heartache,” she laughs a little and turns in Zuko’s direction, “How did I just give someone the power to fuck me up that badly? I really thought I was stronger than that.”

He leans against the windowsill, resting his arms against it and looks down at the training arena. Aang is now walking some of the guards through some advanced firebending stances. 

“Why won’t you tell me what happened that night?”

Toph snorts at the question, “You want to know how Aang and I fucked that night?”

Zuko winces a little at her crude way of wording the sentence, “Well, no, I think I can do without those details. But, what led up to it, what happened afterwards. Why you left.”

Toph looks down at her lap; she had taken off her space bracelet and was bending it into different shapes. “I told you why I left.”

“What? You couldn’t deal with the consequences of your actions? That’s not you, Toph.”

She wipes her nose on the sleeve of her tunic and shakes her head, “No. I just couldn’t deal with it anymore. I didn’t  _ want _ to deal with it anymore. The way he would fucking talk about her,” she wipes her face, “I still love him you know.”

Zuko looks over at her, sees her eyes squeezed tight and that her skin is blotchy, like she is about to cry at any moment, “Yeah, I know, Kiddo.”

Tearing his gaze away from her, knowing she would kill him if she knew he was looking at her with pity. He looks back down at the arena. And sees that it is empty of the guards and Aang. 

Zuko immediately straightens and is just about to say something when a whoosh of air disturbs his robes. 

“Toph.”

Her eyes snap open at his voice and she starts to get up from the windowsill to walk away. She feels Zuko backing away to give the two of them privacy although she wishes with all her heart that he would stop Aang from talking to her. 

“Toph, please-” he reaches out for her, and just manages to grab the crook of her elbow. 

She whips around and faces him, “What, Aang? What could you possibly have to say that could make any of it better?” Her gaze is directed just above his eyes. Her gaze is hard and if looks could kill, he would be dead in a second.

“I- I don’t know, Toph. I don’t know. I just- I have to try,” he searches her face for a moment, “Why didn’t you tell me you loved me?”

Aang sees the shock register on her face and the sharp intake of her breath and the shaky way she lets it out. He can feel her starting to shake, just a slight tremble that goes throughout her whole body. 

Her voice is dangerously low, “As if that would have changed anything,”

“It would have changed everything!”

“Well, maybe if you had opened your fucking eyes, Aang. If you had looked anywhere else but at her. You couldn’t tell I was in love with you because you were too busy loving her to notice,” She says to him, her voice raising slightly.

His heartbeat has slowed to a slow thump, she can feel the shock radiating off of him. 

“The worst part is, even after everything, after the coat room and your wedding night, I still loved you. I still do, Spirits, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stop,” her voice cracks. Aang reaches out and places his hands on her shoulders, just about to bring her into a hug.

“Please, just leave me alone so I can get through this weekend with a little bit of dignity,” she says, her voice low and defeated. Toph pushes past him, but he catches her wrist and spins her back around to face him. 

His hand that isn’t holding onto her wrist, moves up to cup her face and he leans in and when their lips meet and it’s like a breath of fresh air for both of them. Aang feels like he has been denied air for so long while Toph feels like a thousand pounds have lifted off of her chest. 

They move in sync, holding onto each other, making the kiss last for as long as possible. Her hands are bunched up in his robes while one of his hands is tangled in her hair and the other holding onto her hip, keeping her close.

Toph tries to commit everything to memory, because she knows this is the last time she will ever allow herself to do this. She relishes in the way he tastes and the feel of his lips against hers, the way his hands are gripping her, trying to pull her closer to him at every moment.

When they finally break apart, Aang stares down at her, trying to memorize her face, how her eyes had stayed closed for just a second after they had stopped kissing before they fluttered open.

His hand is still tangled in her hair so when he brings his forehead to rest against hers, she can’t pull away, “You will always be my biggest ‘What If’. In another life,” he declares, his voice cracking as tears threaten to spill over, “In another life, things are going to work out with us. There won’t be duties or other relationships or anything else to keep us apart.” He wipes the tears away that have fallen from her eyes and down her cheeks. 

“In another life,” Toph echoes. 

Aang closes his eyes and presses a kiss to her forehead, and holds it there as she slowly pulls herself away and walks back down the hallway. 

* * *

“You think there is something going on with Aang and Toph?” Katara asks nonchalantly as she studies the Phi Sho board. 

Zuko’s heart slams to a halt but he manages to keep a calm expression on his face. He glances up at her and sees her still focused on the board and not dwelling too much on the subject she has just brought up. Maybe she didn’t know. Maybe she is talking about something else.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, before, they were attached at the hip! And now, it’s like they’re avoiding each other. I don’t know. It just seems strange,” Katara says, shrugging. Seeing her move, she immediately reaches a hand out and slaps down a tile. 

Zuko breathes a sigh of relief. She doesn’t know what happened between them, “Well, they haven’t seen each other in 3 years. People change.”

“Mmm. Maybe.”

Thinking the subject has dropped, Zuko stares at the board and quickly makes his move. They go about 3 or 4 turns before Katara brings it back up, “Do you think she had a thing for him?”

This really catches him by surprise, he chokes on the air in his lungs and as he is trying to get himself under control, Katara looks up at him in a confused but amused manner. 

“What?” he manages to sputter out. 

Katara laughs, “Do you think Toph had a thing for Aang? You know, back then,” waving her arm in the air at the generalization of it. 

Zuko wipes his face with a tissue, “Uh, I don’t think that’s for me to say.”

Shock registers on her face, “You know something!” 

“No, no I don’t.” 

“Oh my Spirits, you do! Tell me, what is it?!” Katara says, absolutely giddy, “Did they have a thing back then? What happened?”

“No, I told you. It’s nothing,” he says, his eyes still staring at the board, trying to look impassive. 

“Well, it’s obviously something. Why can’t you tell me?” she asks, trying to get the information out of him. 

“Because, like I said, there is nothing to tell. And if there was, it’s not for me to say.”

“Whatever. I’ll find out what it is somehow,” she says, a smirk adorning her lips. 

Zuko glances up at her, anxiety glittering in his eyes. Luckily she isn’t staring at him, but rather out the window, and he quickly looks back down. If she found out what had happened and what was currently going on between Aang and Toph, all hell would break loose. 

* * *

That night at dinner, the only people that are talking are Zuko, Katara, and Iroh. The latter continuously tries to pull Aang and Toph into the conversation, but after only receiving half hearted replies, he understands that they want to be left alone. 

Katara looks over at Toph and can see that her face is impassive as ever. Her nose is a little red and she only seems to be pushing the food around on her plate rather than eating. She is just about to ask Toph if she is feeling alright when she hears Aang sigh deeply next to her. 

She looks at him and he too seems to be a little sullen as well. He picks at his food, taking a small bite of something every now and then. Looking between the two, she tries to figure out what could have happened between the two of them. 

Just as she opens her mouth to question their behavior, Toph pushes back from the table and leaves, Aang’s eyes never leaving her until she is out of sight. He clenches his jaw and looks down at his food again. 

“Am I missing something?” Katara asks, looking around at the remaining members at the table. 

“It’s fine, we just had a fight,” Aang mumbles back to her and pushes back from the table and walks out of the dining room as well. 

Aang makes his way to the abandoned coat room, just wanting to be alone for a moment, but when he opens the door, he sees her sitting amongst the coats on the floor with her back against the wall. 

“Toph,” he says her name, not a question in his mind as to why she is here. Maybe he had subconsciously come here because he knew she would be here even though he wanted to be alone. 

She doesn’t acknowledge him as he comes and sits next to her with his back against the wall as well, just enough space between them that they don’t touch, but definitely sitting closer than they should be. 

“I can’t do this Toph. I can’t not have you in my life. Can we please get past this? Can we please be friends again? I miss you so much and I-”

“I don’t know Aang. I don’t know if I can do that again. I can’t survive you a second time.”  He turns his head to look at her, not sure what he can say to change her mind. He wouldn’t ever want to put her through that pain again. “But, I guess we can try.”

A smile breaks out onto Aang’s face and Toph raises her head and gives him a small smile in return. His heartbeat had immediately picked up at her words and she could feel the relief pouring off of him. 

She knows that this would only end in more heartbreak, but her defense was slowly crumbling and no matter how hard and impassive she wanted to remain on the subject, every time he attempted to apologize, her walls crumbled just a little more. 


End file.
